It's Been Ten Years...and God is Still Faithful
Oh Friends, very honestly, I have been in such a funk lately and it has frustrated me to no end. I have been praying about it and soul searching and finally came upon this article and while I know quite a bit about narcissistic abuse now, for some reason, I hadn't connected the "abused symptoms" as what my funk was. Signs That You Have Been Abused by a Narcissist
And how do I deal with my own special brand of crazy? By sorting out my thoughts for a few days on my blog of course! ;)
So once I discovered that my problem wasn't just postpartum hormones and stress, (although they certainly don't help) it really frustrated me. I have been here...done this...had PTSD before...why am I here again?
Well, I think Darby's death (my mother's husband who died last month after a motorcycle accident) really brought up everything again from the death of my first step-dad, Eddie (the one who raised me and also was killed in a motorcycle accident, although he was driving drunk.) On top of that, today is the 10th anniversary of dad's (Eddie's) death. That always hangs over me emotionally during mine and Chase's wedding anniversary in September. Our wedding was the last time I saw him alive- he died the next month. So this anniversary hasn't been different, unfortunately it has been on my mind more because it has been ten whole years. Crazy!
So...don't think I am insane, but here are some of my thoughts in letter form to the step-dad who raised me:
Dear Dad,
In a few days, we will come upon the tenth anniversary of your death. I still feel sick thinking about it; a motorcycle accident. You were driving suuuuuuper drunk and probably passed out. You died all by yourself in the middle of the night on the side of the road. Awful for anyone to go that way.
Well ten years later a weird thing happened. When Darby passed away, it reminded me of you. I really didn't want it to- I liked Darby. He was similar to you in ways but different in many good ways. When he passed, I asked God why so soon. When you passed, I asked Him why He waited so long. (I'm not being hateful, I am sure by now you know the truth about what kind of person you were back then. You were a monster, plain and simple.)
I still don't know the answers to my questions about God's timing and really that is okay. I don't have to know. God has proven Himself (not that He needs to) to have perfect timing and knowledge of pictures much bigger than I can fathom.
But losing Darby the way we did, so close to the tenth anniversary of your death (Oct 27, 2004) reminded me of you and brought up an unimaginable river of memories and emotions that have resulted in the resurrection of nightmares, panic attacks in my sleep and every other symptom of PTSD. Honestly, I am so frustrated by it. I thought I was over these things and wouldn't have to deal with them anymore! But here I am. Really, I suppose it was naive to think I would just be "done" by and large with what consumed my life for such a big chunk of it.
And thankfully it is not nearly as severe as when I mucked through it eight years ago in counseling but it is sucking my life dry right now. And it makes me angry with you and devastated for us all, all over again.
On the other hand though, ten years later, this time is different in a few ways: I daily remember that I chose and still choose forgiveness for you when I'm angry. I remember that I decided it was not my place to be your judge and jury and God would handle it perfectly and to leave it with Him. God is gracious to remind me.
Ten years later and this time around I don't hate you, I am angry in new ways, I am finding- but I don't hate you.
I don't understand why you never allowed the Bible to do anything in your life other than use it as a powerful weapon to steal, kill and destroy. I am upset that I don't have much in the way of childhood happy stories and as my kids get older and ask me questions about my life, I only have broken stories to share and they can't even comprehend my childhood. (I am SO thankful for that!!!)
On the flip-side, my happy stories of God's redemption and making beauty out of ashes are more powerful, and those are the stories on which I like to focus and share. He has revealed and taught me that He is not a man- I went from believing He was just like you to knowing He is better than *any* man, even the best kind! His Word taught me that and healthy, godly men modeled it (the way men who truly love Him, serve Him and earnestly study His Word do.)
I truly feel like The Lord has restored the years the locust had eaten. Only God could make the truly vile and dead into something beautiful!
I guess my current anger deals mostly with how it all ripples into the lives of my children and husband (still and again) and also being angry with those who twist the Bible and use it to hurt and control those that would be under their care. I pray that that would be one sin of which I am never guilty.
So anyway, I am going through a refresher course of everything I learned about Who God really is, who I really am according to what HE says and not what you said. I am remembering what it is to rest in His Sovereignty-even in the worst situations. I have faith in His character and His promises of grace now and tomorrow. I am also remembering how beautiful my crazy life is now and not to take it for granted-it is a gift for which I am thankful.
Today I learned not to waste this "down time" by being angry about it or asking God, "Why?" (Although He can certainly handle the question) but asking Him, "What? What am I supposed to be learning and gleaning during this time?" And to just rest in Him and His faithfulness. He has got this. He has perfect timing and nothing escapes His notice. Joy comes in the morning. Instead of being angry I can choose to be thankful for whatever grand thing He will make of this-even if for some reason, I don't see it.
So for now, Dad...here I am. I'm thankful for the time you rescued my stuffed bunny when I dropped it in the road while riding your motorcycle on the way to preschool. I'm thankful you scared all the boys away and helped me wait for Chase and I'm truly, truly, thankful you raised me in church. Thank you. <3 p="">
I still choose forgiveness, not because I am great like that but because He is and He is forever forgiving me. I love you, Dad. I hope you found true Peace and Truth and are also resting in Him. I hope to one day see you again-the new you and share a hug and the knowledge of what He has done for us both.
Love,
Gina
So, dear Reader, if you can relate to my life right now at all (or even if you can't!) please check these out! They have been SO helpful to me the past couple of days!
Sunday's Sermon at our church:
To hear: Living by Faith, not Gratitude? Simple but revolutionary!!! Aaaah! So good!
Fabulous video:
To watch: Struggles With Depression
And how do I deal with my own special brand of crazy? By sorting out my thoughts for a few days on my blog of course! ;)
So once I discovered that my problem wasn't just postpartum hormones and stress, (although they certainly don't help) it really frustrated me. I have been here...done this...had PTSD before...why am I here again?
Well, I think Darby's death (my mother's husband who died last month after a motorcycle accident) really brought up everything again from the death of my first step-dad, Eddie (the one who raised me and also was killed in a motorcycle accident, although he was driving drunk.) On top of that, today is the 10th anniversary of dad's (Eddie's) death. That always hangs over me emotionally during mine and Chase's wedding anniversary in September. Our wedding was the last time I saw him alive- he died the next month. So this anniversary hasn't been different, unfortunately it has been on my mind more because it has been ten whole years. Crazy!
So...don't think I am insane, but here are some of my thoughts in letter form to the step-dad who raised me:
Dear Dad,
In a few days, we will come upon the tenth anniversary of your death. I still feel sick thinking about it; a motorcycle accident. You were driving suuuuuuper drunk and probably passed out. You died all by yourself in the middle of the night on the side of the road. Awful for anyone to go that way.
Well ten years later a weird thing happened. When Darby passed away, it reminded me of you. I really didn't want it to- I liked Darby. He was similar to you in ways but different in many good ways. When he passed, I asked God why so soon. When you passed, I asked Him why He waited so long. (I'm not being hateful, I am sure by now you know the truth about what kind of person you were back then. You were a monster, plain and simple.)
I still don't know the answers to my questions about God's timing and really that is okay. I don't have to know. God has proven Himself (not that He needs to) to have perfect timing and knowledge of pictures much bigger than I can fathom.
But losing Darby the way we did, so close to the tenth anniversary of your death (Oct 27, 2004) reminded me of you and brought up an unimaginable river of memories and emotions that have resulted in the resurrection of nightmares, panic attacks in my sleep and every other symptom of PTSD. Honestly, I am so frustrated by it. I thought I was over these things and wouldn't have to deal with them anymore! But here I am. Really, I suppose it was naive to think I would just be "done" by and large with what consumed my life for such a big chunk of it.
And thankfully it is not nearly as severe as when I mucked through it eight years ago in counseling but it is sucking my life dry right now. And it makes me angry with you and devastated for us all, all over again.
On the other hand though, ten years later, this time is different in a few ways: I daily remember that I chose and still choose forgiveness for you when I'm angry. I remember that I decided it was not my place to be your judge and jury and God would handle it perfectly and to leave it with Him. God is gracious to remind me.
Ten years later and this time around I don't hate you, I am angry in new ways, I am finding- but I don't hate you.
I don't understand why you never allowed the Bible to do anything in your life other than use it as a powerful weapon to steal, kill and destroy. I am upset that I don't have much in the way of childhood happy stories and as my kids get older and ask me questions about my life, I only have broken stories to share and they can't even comprehend my childhood. (I am SO thankful for that!!!)
On the flip-side, my happy stories of God's redemption and making beauty out of ashes are more powerful, and those are the stories on which I like to focus and share. He has revealed and taught me that He is not a man- I went from believing He was just like you to knowing He is better than *any* man, even the best kind! His Word taught me that and healthy, godly men modeled it (the way men who truly love Him, serve Him and earnestly study His Word do.)
I truly feel like The Lord has restored the years the locust had eaten. Only God could make the truly vile and dead into something beautiful!
I guess my current anger deals mostly with how it all ripples into the lives of my children and husband (still and again) and also being angry with those who twist the Bible and use it to hurt and control those that would be under their care. I pray that that would be one sin of which I am never guilty.
So anyway, I am going through a refresher course of everything I learned about Who God really is, who I really am according to what HE says and not what you said. I am remembering what it is to rest in His Sovereignty-even in the worst situations. I have faith in His character and His promises of grace now and tomorrow. I am also remembering how beautiful my crazy life is now and not to take it for granted-it is a gift for which I am thankful.
~~~~~
Today I learned not to waste this "down time" by being angry about it or asking God, "Why?" (Although He can certainly handle the question) but asking Him, "What? What am I supposed to be learning and gleaning during this time?" And to just rest in Him and His faithfulness. He has got this. He has perfect timing and nothing escapes His notice. Joy comes in the morning. Instead of being angry I can choose to be thankful for whatever grand thing He will make of this-even if for some reason, I don't see it.
So for now, Dad...here I am. I'm thankful for the time you rescued my stuffed bunny when I dropped it in the road while riding your motorcycle on the way to preschool. I'm thankful you scared all the boys away and helped me wait for Chase and I'm truly, truly, thankful you raised me in church. Thank you. <3 p="">
I still choose forgiveness, not because I am great like that but because He is and He is forever forgiving me. I love you, Dad. I hope you found true Peace and Truth and are also resting in Him. I hope to one day see you again-the new you and share a hug and the knowledge of what He has done for us both.
Love,
Gina
So, dear Reader, if you can relate to my life right now at all (or even if you can't!) please check these out! They have been SO helpful to me the past couple of days!
Sunday's Sermon at our church:
To hear: Living by Faith, not Gratitude? Simple but revolutionary!!! Aaaah! So good!
Fabulous video:
To watch: Struggles With Depression
Another good one:
To read: God Loves You Through the Dark
I hope you are encouraged. I know it is cliche but it is true, God is good. All the time.
Love,
Gina