I am currently completely obsessed with holiday traditions and so I thought I would talk about some here on the ol' bloggity blog. Christmas traditions were I think one of the happiest parts of my childhood so they are a huge deal in my mind! :)

I think Christmas traditions should have a goal of drawing the family together, reminding us the Reason for Christmas, should be FUN and EASY.

Growing up our traditions consisted of:
-Advent. My Mom really went all out for Advent, not only did we do the wreath and candles, but she wrote a script and had mix-tapes with the songs that went along with that weeks theme. :) She is the Advent queen. :)

-Driving around, looking at lights.
All. the. time. Whenever we left the house pretty much. We loved it! We would pick our favorites and see them over and over again.

-Ornaments. Every year we would get a new ornament to add to our collection that would someday move with us onto our own tree as adults. We each had a theme, I got bell ornaments, my sister Lisa got angels, Tina got doves and Joey got drummer boys. Fun!
Sadly, our house burned down my senior year of high school and most of the ornaments were destroyed. :( I still get sad a little when decorating the tree.

-At some point my Mom found a kid-friendly nativity scene and she would hide the wise men around the house and we would find them as they were on their journey to see Jesus. :)

-When I was in Cubbies (so like 2 or 3) I made a little manger with popsicle sticks and straw and had a baby Jesus. We took it home and our parents would add straw to the manger as we did kind things, obeyed, helped Mama, etc. and then on Christmas morning, baby Jesus would appear in the manger. Honestly, I would like to revise this a bit to make it less works based but I am not sure how to do that yet. Any ideas?

These days, I am the Mommy. :) Mommies seem to be the ones that generally organize and get the season going, and that includes traditions! Yay! Fun job. :)
Around here, we have some traditions but I have really been working to add some more to our Christmastime season. ;)

-Ornaments! Imagine my surprise when I found out Chase's family had the same ornament tradition that mine did! :) They didn't have a theme, but every year they got an ornament from their parents and grandparents! Yay!!!
For our kids though, we did pick a theme just because I always liked having one. Growing up, my family wasn't huge, there were only four kids, but it was nice to have something that was *mine.* ;) So we stuck with the themes-at least for what ornaments we get them. Their grandparents and greats still give ornaments every year too and not all of them do the theme which adds some variety to their ornaments. :) So far, our themes are snowmen, stars, balls, Christmas trees, and snowflakes. I love it!

-PJ's on Christmas Eve. This is a tradition Captain Awesome started which is so cute. He picks out new jammies every year that they open Christmas Eve. I really watch the jammie sales before Christmas because they are crazy expensive for some reason. (The Shopular app is AWESOME.) This year we got them at Children's Place on flash sale for $5 a set! Woot! (And then, because for some reason by law, pajamas must be doused in a nasty flame-retardant chemical, I wash them a bunch of times before Chase wraps them up. Ha!)

When I asked about traditions on Facebook, a couple of friends said they did a scavenger hunt for the jammies. FUN!

-Last year we started a Random Acts of Kindness (or appreciation, ha!) and got a few done throughout the month. Simple things like writing sweet messages in chalk on people's driveways (like friends and our pastor) and dropped off homemade cookies and such. :)

-Reading the story of Jesus' birth from Luke on Christmas morning. Because, hello. :)

-We drive around and look at lights!

-Christmas Eve service and a Christmas Day service if there is one. Chase and I LOVE church on Christmas morning.

-I stole a tradition from my Mom-in-Love and cook the Christmas dinner for Christmas Eve so everyone can snack on leftovers and hang out Christmas Day and not be super busy in the kitchen all of Christmas.

-Something else my Mom-in-Love started was day after Christmas shopping!!! Now it is one of my FAVORITE things!!! We hit stores as soon as they open and score great deals on decorations, the next year's ornaments, the new baby's stocking, wrapping paper, etc. I have a ton of Christmas crap fun...and it is because of day-after shopping! We hit a coffee shop and then (depending on who opens when...) Wal-Mart, Target, Kirklands, Hobby Lobby, Michael's, Kohls, Cracker Barrel (store part) and anything else that looks promising! Generally we go out as a "Girl's Day" but when we aren't all together as a fam we go out as couples (Chase likes picking the ornaments and scoring deals on outside lights too!)  or with friends.

-We also have a lot of Christmas movie traditions...It's a Wonderful Life, Elf, The Muppet Family Christmas, The Bishop's Wife, Little Women, Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Clause, It's a Meaningful Life (a Veggie Tales movie,) The Nativity Story, The Santa Clause, Ernest Saves Christmas and my older girls like White Christmas and Holiday Inn and I take some time for The Holiday.

A new movie this year we are adding to the list is "Why Do We Celebrate Christmas?" from the "What's in the Bible?" series. (Have you seen any of the "What's in the Bible?" movies? They are fabulous!!! They go through the Bible book by book and teach about why, when, apologetics, Church history, science, Theology, etc. We love them! They give a *lot* of information but in an entertaining way. LOVE!)

Oh Friends, very honestly, I have been in such a funk lately and it has frustrated me to no end. I have been praying about it and soul searching and finally came upon this article and while I know quite a bit about narcissistic abuse now, for some reason, I hadn't connected the "abused symptoms" as what my funk was. Signs That You Have Been Abused by a Narcissist

And how do I deal with my own special brand of crazy? By sorting out my thoughts for a few days on my blog of course! ;)

So once I discovered that my problem wasn't just postpartum hormones and stress, (although they certainly don't help) it really frustrated me. I have been here...done this...had PTSD before...why am I here again?

Well, I think Darby's death (my mother's husband who died last month after a motorcycle accident) really brought up everything again from the death of my first step-dad, Eddie (the one who raised me and also was killed in a motorcycle accident, although he was driving drunk.) On top of that, today is the 10th anniversary of dad's (Eddie's) death. That always hangs over me emotionally during mine and Chase's wedding anniversary in September. Our wedding was the last time I saw him alive- he died the next month. So this anniversary hasn't been different, unfortunately it has been on my mind more because it has been ten whole years. Crazy!

So...don't think I am insane, but here are some of my thoughts in letter form to the step-dad who raised me:

Dear Dad,

In a few days, we will come upon the tenth anniversary of your death. I still feel sick thinking about it; a motorcycle accident. You were driving suuuuuuper drunk and probably passed out. You died all by yourself in the middle of the night on the side of the road. Awful for anyone to go that way.

Well ten years later a weird thing happened. When Darby passed away, it reminded me of you. I really didn't want it to- I liked Darby. He was similar to you in ways but different in many good ways. When he passed, I asked God why so soon. When you passed, I asked Him why He waited so long. (I'm not being hateful, I am sure by now you know the truth about what kind of person you were back then. You were a monster, plain and simple.)

I still don't know the answers to my questions about God's timing and really that is okay. I don't have to know. God has proven Himself (not that He needs to) to have perfect timing and knowledge of pictures much bigger than I can fathom.

But losing Darby the way we did, so close to the tenth anniversary of your death (Oct 27, 2004) reminded me of you and brought up an unimaginable river of memories and emotions that have resulted in the resurrection of nightmares, panic attacks in my sleep and every other symptom of PTSD. Honestly, I am so frustrated by it. I thought I was over these things and wouldn't have to deal with them anymore! But here I am. Really, I suppose it was naive to think I would just be "done" by and large with what consumed my life for such a big chunk of it.
And thankfully it is not nearly as severe as when I mucked through it eight years ago in counseling but it is sucking my life dry right now. And it makes me angry with you and devastated for us all, all over again.

On the other hand though, ten years later, this time is different in a few ways: I daily remember that I chose and still choose forgiveness for you when I'm angry. I remember that I decided it was not my place to be your judge and jury and God would handle it perfectly and to leave it with Him. God is gracious to remind me.

Ten years later and this time around I don't hate you, I am angry in new ways, I am finding- but I don't hate you.
I don't understand why you never allowed the Bible to do anything in your life other than use it as a powerful weapon to steal, kill and destroy. I am upset that I don't have much in the way of childhood happy stories and as my kids get older and ask me questions about my life, I only have broken stories to share and they can't even comprehend my childhood. (I am SO thankful for that!!!)
On the flip-side, my happy stories of God's redemption and making beauty out of ashes are more powerful, and those are the stories on which I like to focus and share. He has revealed and taught me that He is not a man- I went from believing He was just like you to knowing He is better than *any* man, even the best kind! His Word taught me that and healthy, godly men modeled it (the way men who truly love Him, serve Him and earnestly study His Word do.)
I truly feel like The Lord has restored the years the locust had eaten. Only God could make the truly vile and dead into something beautiful!

I guess my current anger deals mostly with how it all ripples into the lives of my children and husband (still and again) and also being angry with those who twist the Bible and use it to hurt and control those that would be under their care. I pray that that would be one sin of which I am never guilty.

So anyway, I am going through a refresher course of everything I learned about Who God really is, who I really am according to what HE says and not what you said. I am remembering what it is to rest in His Sovereignty-even in the worst situations. I have faith in His character and His promises of grace now and tomorrow. I am also remembering how beautiful my crazy life is now and not to take it for granted-it is a gift for which I am thankful.


Today I learned not to waste this "down time" by being angry about it or asking God, "Why?" (Although He can certainly handle the question) but asking Him, "What? What am I supposed to be learning and gleaning during this time?" And to just rest in Him and His faithfulness. He has got this. He has perfect timing and nothing escapes His notice. Joy comes in the morning. Instead of being angry I can choose to be thankful for whatever grand thing He will make of this-even if for some reason, I don't see it.

So for now, Dad...here I am.  I'm thankful for the time you rescued my stuffed bunny when I dropped it in the road while riding your motorcycle on the way to preschool. I'm thankful you scared all the boys away and helped me wait for Chase and I'm truly, truly, thankful you raised me in church. Thank you. <3 p="">
I still choose forgiveness, not because I am great like that but because He is and He is forever forgiving me. I love you, Dad. I hope you found true Peace and Truth and are also resting in Him. I hope to one day see you again-the new you and share a hug and the knowledge of what He has done for us both.

Love,
Gina

So, dear Reader, if you can relate to my life right now at all (or even if you can't!) please check these out! They have been SO helpful to me the past couple of days!

Sunday's Sermon at our church:
To hear: Living by Faith, not Gratitude? Simple but revolutionary!!! Aaaah! So good!

Fabulous video:
To watch: Struggles With Depression

I know...this is only part one. But I felt like to really grasp HOW AMAZING this birth was you had to know everything that went into it and there is a bit of background.

This pregnancy was uneventful and crazy, peaceful and stressful, wonderful and difficult! Much like parenting I suppose!
We had just hopped into missions from the youth pastorate and moved our belongings into storage in Colorado Springs. We moved our family into a 30 foot long travel trailer and began traveling as we raised support for our new ministry position. We were advised to not have more babies, especially while raising financial support because many people do not agree with large, growing families and we agreed that while that is not necessarily a biblical mindset, it is probably a common one and we should wait for awhile and see how the Lord would lead later-after we were settled-in a house-and fully supported. Looking back I am embarrassed at my lack of faith and am glad God gives us what we need many times in spite of us.

So we were just living life and fundraising and praying.
And then I was late. And I could smell everything. And I had morning sickness. And we knew.

I actually never took a test, just watched my belly grow!

While we are always excited about a baby, this news was hard to wrap our minds around. We were still adjusting to life in 240 square feet and mostly we were worried about how everyone would respond. (Again-what a lack of faith! Who cares what people think about what the Lord has brought about?)
We were thankful though for an outpouring of love and support from everyone.

So life went on, and surprisingly I was pretty chill about the whole thing. We traveled from one place to another. Living with family or in our travel trailer or with the Cook's since we started in July last year.

God worked it out that I was in a house during the worst of the morning sickness...throwing up in a tiny trailer bathroom and tiny trailer toilet is so not easy.

He provided an amazing house in a community that loves us while Chase went to India so I wouldn't have to worry about everything that comes with living in a travel trailer...while pregnant...with four kids...in the winter. ;) Seriously, God takes good care of me. :)

I went to a few different midwives here and there for check-ups and our ultrasound during our travels, always hoping that we would be back in Colorado living in a home by the time the baby came and that we would figure out our birth plans when we moved back.




But then...week 32 came, Chase was leaving for India for 16 days and we were not living in a house in Colorado any time soon.
All of the sudden it hit us...soooo....this super cute baby is coming! What are we going to do? Where are we going to have this baby?

We decided to consider and pray about it and decide when Chase got back from India.

Zoey loving on "her baby" and my very weird belly button.

~~~~~~~~~
If you know me at all, you know I have had some traumatic experiences when it comes to being a girl and also having babies, (just click on the "childbirth" label on the sidebar to read more about that.) So a safe, birth where I call the shots is very important to me. I research a LOT on find a care provider I can trust.

Now if remember my last birth, you know I had a great experience aside from some hemorrhaging after labor that was REALLY painful to get under control even with using drugs. (I literally begged them to let me die. And I was even holding my new amazing baby. It hurt that badly.) I was sore for weeks and it really took away from what was otherwise a really great birth experience! (By the way, the hemorrhage was no one's fault-just one of those things.) My midwife told me that based on my previous births and now this one it looked like I had uterine atony. My understanding is that that usually means the uterus is basically worn out after the baby comes and it won't contract anymore to shrink the uterus back down and so you bleed.
Sometimes it is also complicated by removing the placenta before it has detached and causes more complications. There are also other factors that can cause hemorrhaging obviously, but uterine atony seems to be mine.

Uterine atony can also hamper going into labor which is also an issue for me. While I believe my body is meant to go over 40 weeks, it is really really really hard to get contractions started and have them dilate me.

So. Knowing this about myself and wanting to avoid torture before and after labor I started reading and researching and reading more. I read about uterine atony, postpartum hemorrhaging, what the causes were, how to prevent them, etc. I read medical studies and what mainstream medicine says and what 40 page long forums of women talking about their experiences and what dr's and midwives did for them.

I found out that I love learning about this stuff. Haha! Once I embraced my role of being a woman and working with the body God gave me, a whole new world opened up!  My Mom-in-love totally called it: we are looking into me eventually becoming a professional doula...*maybe* someday a mid-wife. We will see how the Lord leads.

Anyway, I think I will blog about that side of all this later-what I learned about causes, prevention and even healing. In my case, (and this is just based on my research. I am not trained or anything.) I believe my uterine atony is caused by an excessive amount of amniotic fluid, (always have a crazy amount that leaves the provider saying, "No wonder you were so big! You are all water!") a large baby, and then several pregnancies with no "uterine therapy" (I like to say) being done in between. It is just a lot of stress on an organ that is incredible but "human." :)

I will also say that many, many women are experiencing uterine atony after being induced with cytotec for their first birth and believe there may be a connection between that and never being able to go into labor naturally after that. It could totally be coincidental, but you may want to keep that in mind yourself. (Cytotec and pitocin were not made for labor induction, nor is that to be their primary purpose...sidenote.) I was given cytotec to induce my first birth but I don't believe it is the reason I don't start labor naturally. I say that because when my water breaks and all that pressure is relieved, my uterus hops into action and does just fine.

So that is what I decided- I would throw everything and the kitchen sink at my uterus and pray it would kick into gear on it's own or have my water break on it's own, but also recognize that labor very well may not happen until my water breaks so I need to throw everything at that to dilate enough to have my water broken if need be. My water had never broken on it's own before.

So I collected herbs and oils and date fruits (I will blog more specifically about what I used and why) and waited until it was safe and encouraged to use each thing and then went after it!

  I nourished my body in this way as best I could and prayyyyyyed my body would cooperate. I prayed to go into labor myself and not to hemorrhage again.

The other big part of this story is Hypnobabies. Many of you have heard or seen me carry on about the documentary, "The Business of Being Born." Totally phenomenal-every woman should watch it. It is wonderful. In it, a couple of the moms interviewed mentioned Hypnobabies and the first time I watched it, not long after Evan was born, I immediately blew it off because it sounded New Age and like hokum. ;) I continued to blow it off through Zoey's pregnancy and it wasn't until I was pregnant with Phoebe that I heard Christian friends had used it and had 100% pain-free births! So yes, it piqued my interest enough to decide to at least look into it and actually make an informed decision. (Ha!)

What I found was really interesting. "Hypno-anesthesia" is a real, medical thing. Doctors use hypnotic anesthesia on patients requiring surgery that are lethally allergic to anesthesia. They train their patients to use hypno-anesthesia to anesthetize themselves for surgery! No one "hypnotizes" you and it is unlike anything you have seen on tv. It is a choice you make for yourself and actually anesthetizes you. Crazy cool! Totally makes sense to use it during labor, right?
Hypnobabies not only teaches you how to anesthetize yourself but also to look at birth without fear. The classes and reading material (which I didn't get to use) also reinforce the re-training of your mind in how you view birth. We are inundated with horror stories from well-meaning people and faulty information and images from media.
(Watch "A Baby Story" anyone??? Don't.) Hypnobabies teaches you to trust your body and the process. They are definitely not a homebirth or granola type thing. Most women use Hypnobabies in the hospital with their OB. HB doesn't care where or how you have your baby-just that you are at peace and well-informed about the birth process and comfortable in whatever situation you choose.

I also talked to my Christian friends (that I felt confident in their spiritual discretion) about their experiences and why it was "safe" and how it aligned with Christianity and the Bible. I really appreciated my friend Emily who shared that Hypnobabies teaches you to think about birth the way we are to think about anything: "Whatever is true, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report, praiseworthy..."  and if I could go into birth trusting the Lord and not fearful for His plan for me than wouldn't that be the spiritual thing to do?
I started listening to the tracks shared with me and still waited to hear something major that would make it all turn out to be voodoo I shouldn't mess with but really, the only thing I disagreed with was one of the "birthing affirmations" that says, "I deserve an easy and comfortable birthing." I believe the Bible teaches that we deserve only hell. God is good to give us anything more than that-not to mention redemption of sin and punishment!!! So when that line was said, I always mentally changed it to "I can have an easy and comfortable birthing."

Hypnobabies is cool in that it is totally non-religious but you can make it religious yourself if you choose. It is great to learn to be more peaceful in stressful circumstances and even better if you focus on the Prince of Peace to do so. So I added in favorite verses on peace or depending on the Lord and the other verses I like to use while preparing for and during birth. The program uses the cue-word "peace" as a word you learn to use when you need immediate, complete relaxation physically, mentally and emotionally. During that training track I changed it to "Prince Of Peace," one of my favorite names of God and the picture of Him I lean on the most. Again, I used the verses that describe Him as such and used them to remind me of Who HE is and thus that I am safe and secure regardless of the circumstances. I hate to use the word meditate in the same paragraph as "hypno" (haha!) but my Prince of Peace cue word led into Bible meditation and thankfulness for Who He is.

Kind of funny, during those times of practicing the "hypnosis" and choosing to see Him in those moments of stressfulness or pain I would start to picture myself in His arms but always decided that was a little too touchy-feely and I wanted to just picture Him there next to me. Giant in my mind, but there, a perfect vision of everything every verse says about what it is to be Peace and Safety...but not holding me...just standing there in case I really needed Him. Haha! I will talk about that more later....

So I used my HB listening tracks and practiced and worried that I wasn't practicing enough or didn't know well enough what I was doing since I couldn't go to class or read the material. I watched videos on YouTube of HB births and some of an HB instructor and learned tips from her and still I worried it wasn't going to work and it would all be for nothing.

I just prayed that He would give me strength and peace for whatever kind of birth He chose for me if He decided an "easy, comfortable HB birth" wasn't for me. But yeah, I also prayed for an easy, comfortable, pain-free birth. 

My other big thing was waterbirth! I have been wanting a waterbirth since my very first pregnancy and have never gotten one. It is probably the first "crunchy/granola/natural" thing I had ever embraced. For some reason being in the water is my very favorite thing- seriously even soaking my feet is just the best! I live for warm showers and baths and thank the Lord regularly that I live in a country where I can take them for granted. I LOVE swimming (as long as there is no threat of sharks...or snakes or anything else that will eat you...worrying about that really messes up the experience. ;) and just being around water. My top two camping experiences were ones where we camped next to running water- once the ocean in Del Mar and the other by this beautiful stream in the mountains of Colorado. Oh so the best!

Anyhow, I think you know what I mean when I say I love water. So the idea of a waterbirth (and hearing gobs of stories from women who all said you should never birth any other way) just made sense to me. Plus it is less painful, easier on baby and your body, blah blah blah WATER BIRTH.
And yet four babies and I still had never had one. In the hospital with the first three births I was allowed to labor in the water but not deliver in there. I am always an easy going, total push-over patient. I hate to feel like I am being a pain or in anyone's way, and that is amplified when I am the one that is supposed to be cared for. I just feel like I am being needy or something. Anyway...that does not apply when it comes to being in the water. The nurses would come and literally drag me out as I whined and carried on and asked how long I had to wait before they would let me get back in. I would turn into a total baby. Being able to labor in the tub was awesome but I never got to deliver in there like I wanted...even "accidentally." ;)

We were all set-up with Zoey-I was having my waterbirth!!!! And then the poop hit the fan...kind of. I already blogged that birth story! ;) Read that story here!
So no...once again I was able to labor in the water but that was it.

So again we planned and prepped for a waterbirth and I prayyyyyyed for a waterbirth. 

The other things that were important to me that I prayed for:

-to make it to the clinic for one thing...because otherwise no waterbirth. (lol!)
-to make it with time to fill the tub...because otherwise no waterbirth.
-that we wouldn't have to use castor oil and if we did it wouldn't mess up....my waterbirth. (Seriously, I have a problem.)
-that even if it wasn't the pain-free birth I was working on and hoping for, that it would be a better example to my kids of what having a baby can be and that birth doesn't have to be scary and awful
-that it would be a good time for both my family and for my fabulous midwife Kathleen and her team. (Seriously, I don't like to be an imposition.)

So that is pretty much what my pregnancy consisted of...lots of research, worrying....and then prayer.
Also...getting super excited about a baby!!! There was that too, of course!

~~~~~
After Chase got back from India we decided to go back to Texas. I was 34 weeks pregnant at that point and we had had friends offer up a spot and hookups for the trailer if we needed them. We took them up on their generous offer and headed that way. I made an appointment with my midwife from before and made arrangements to use the Bella Births Birthing Center there in McKinney, Texas. Even though Kathleen was booked solid she so graciously made room for me and my birth. We picked up where we left off immediately. I just love her to pieces!

The other great thing about being in McKinney was I got to go see the world's best chiropractor, Dr. Bo Brantley. I tend to have a LOT of hip and pelvic pain during pregnancy and Dr. Bo knows how to fix it! Plus even better I love that he has lots of pregnancy and birth experience from his family and was a huge source of peace and encouragement to me. And even better than THAT, he prays over me and baby during adjustments. He is fabulous.

There in McKinney we have dear church friends and my fabulous Aunt Lisa and her wonderful family! So it was great to see and visit them while we were there! We visited churches galore and Chase worked a couple of different jobs during our time there as well as met with Pastors during the week. Our two favorite churches that we visited were Frisco Bible Church and Imago Dei -in case you live in that area and are church hunting. :)

My Aunt also threw me a surprise gift card shower that knocked my socks off!!! So many of her friends gave just knowing we were Lisa's and were in missions!!! The sweetest thing ever! We were also spoiled by friends there too! We are just so blessed by so many people in our lives. :)

Back to birth story...Week 40 came and went...and week 41...and I was obviously annoyed. I had really wanted her born in April. Preferably April 22 which was my Great Grandpa Joe's birthday AND Chase's Great Grandma Dot's birthday.
But no...we just waited-and took a lot of selfies. LOL

And I got bigger and more miserable and my family grew scared of me for reasons I did not understand. Strangers went from annoyingly telling me how huge I was and "Don't have that baby here!" And "Are you sure there is only one in there?"to avoiding eye contact completely and hiding their kids behind them as I waddled by. I must've been a tad grouchy.

We did everything from herbal tinctures that work 95% of the time to acupressure to walking to climbing stairs two at a time sideways. I did baby spinning techniques and the Miles Circuit to help her drop (and they did!) I used essential oils to turn her around into position and to start contractions but nothing. We even did the dreaded castor oil that I swore I would never do again. Nothing.
I would have contractions get to two minutes apart for a half hour and then nothing. I really believed labor wouldn't start until my water broke because of the uterine atony but I wasn't even dilating enough to have my water broken! This baby was not ready.