My Time as an Exotic Brunette

Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Imagine with me if you will...a young wife and mother of a baby or two. This woman is also married to the youth pastor of a Baptist Church and is she rather insecure about everything I just mentioned and is way too busy helping at church. She loved helping out but she needed better boundaries.

Anyhow, imagine that this girl decides that she wants to replace her college/single life era email address with a more grown-up one specifically for church business. Plus, her old one just gets SO MUCH spam and it was hard to find the actual emails in all the garbage ones. Time for a fresh start, right??? Totally!

Now...what to pick for a new email name???

She wants something fun and unique that fits her personality. And then she remembers...her beloved mother-in-law has this cute phrase for when you do something kinda dumb but you aren't blonde...it isn't a blonde moment, it is an exotic brunette moment!!!

And yeah...in an epic exotic brunette moment to top all exotic brunette moments, this young lady creates an email by that name "exoticbrunette@hotmail.com."

Oh yes, she did.

She chuckled to herself, thinking about how clever this cutsey little email address was while she *immediately* emailed aaaaaaalll of her church people to let them know her new email address.

Oh yes.

She did.

And just about the time she got done transferring the email addresses and sending out the "change of email address" emails she realized just *what* she had done.

Oh.

Crap.

She then starts *freaking out* over what her email address actually looks like (because after all, it was rather the opposite of clever and cutsey!) just in time for her husband to call her and ask her what in the world she is doing and that their Pastor (and his boss) just called him with an awful lot of questions and while the husband knew the saying and knew what the young woman meant, and was able to explain the whole "exotic brunette" thing to this Pastor, he asked the husband to relay to the girl that it really was not an okay email address handle and please get a *new* email address right this very second.

Ummm, yeah.

So then happened a new email address with a much more appropriate name, a new address book transfer and a *NEW* change-of-email address email was sent out, complete with an explanation of what an exotic brunette is when you are talking about blonde moments. She clarified that she was really only the kind of exotic brunette that does *mentally* dumb things...like pick pornographic email handles completely naively.

Good grief. A tad bit humiliating, but no one really gave that poor girl grief about it. So nice of them.

The previously mentioned beloved mother-in-law thought the whole thing was hilarious. LOL

Not that I am this girl or anything...just heard her story and years later I'm finding it funny. ;)

Really, really funny.

Oh Friends, very honestly, I have been in such a funk lately and it has frustrated me to no end. I have been praying about it and soul searching and finally came upon this article and while I know quite a bit about narcissistic abuse now, for some reason, I hadn't connected the "abused symptoms" as what my funk was. Signs That You Have Been Abused by a Narcissist

And how do I deal with my own special brand of crazy? By sorting out my thoughts for a few days on my blog of course! ;)

So once I discovered that my problem wasn't just postpartum hormones and stress, (although they certainly don't help) it really frustrated me. I have been here...done this...had PTSD before...why am I here again?

Well, I think Darby's death (my mother's husband who died last month after a motorcycle accident) really brought up everything again from the death of my first step-dad, Eddie (the one who raised me and also was killed in a motorcycle accident, although he was driving drunk.) On top of that, today is the 10th anniversary of dad's (Eddie's) death. That always hangs over me emotionally during mine and Chase's wedding anniversary in September. Our wedding was the last time I saw him alive- he died the next month. So this anniversary hasn't been different, unfortunately it has been on my mind more because it has been ten whole years. Crazy!

So...don't think I am insane, but here are some of my thoughts in letter form to the step-dad who raised me:

Dear Dad,

In a few days, we will come upon the tenth anniversary of your death. I still feel sick thinking about it; a motorcycle accident. You were driving suuuuuuper drunk and probably passed out. You died all by yourself in the middle of the night on the side of the road. Awful for anyone to go that way.

Well ten years later a weird thing happened. When Darby passed away, it reminded me of you. I really didn't want it to- I liked Darby. He was similar to you in ways but different in many good ways. When he passed, I asked God why so soon. When you passed, I asked Him why He waited so long. (I'm not being hateful, I am sure by now you know the truth about what kind of person you were back then. You were a monster, plain and simple.)

I still don't know the answers to my questions about God's timing and really that is okay. I don't have to know. God has proven Himself (not that He needs to) to have perfect timing and knowledge of pictures much bigger than I can fathom.

But losing Darby the way we did, so close to the tenth anniversary of your death (Oct 27, 2004) reminded me of you and brought up an unimaginable river of memories and emotions that have resulted in the resurrection of nightmares, panic attacks in my sleep and every other symptom of PTSD. Honestly, I am so frustrated by it. I thought I was over these things and wouldn't have to deal with them anymore! But here I am. Really, I suppose it was naive to think I would just be "done" by and large with what consumed my life for such a big chunk of it.
And thankfully it is not nearly as severe as when I mucked through it eight years ago in counseling but it is sucking my life dry right now. And it makes me angry with you and devastated for us all, all over again.

On the other hand though, ten years later, this time is different in a few ways: I daily remember that I chose and still choose forgiveness for you when I'm angry. I remember that I decided it was not my place to be your judge and jury and God would handle it perfectly and to leave it with Him. God is gracious to remind me.

Ten years later and this time around I don't hate you, I am angry in new ways, I am finding- but I don't hate you.
I don't understand why you never allowed the Bible to do anything in your life other than use it as a powerful weapon to steal, kill and destroy. I am upset that I don't have much in the way of childhood happy stories and as my kids get older and ask me questions about my life, I only have broken stories to share and they can't even comprehend my childhood. (I am SO thankful for that!!!)
On the flip-side, my happy stories of God's redemption and making beauty out of ashes are more powerful, and those are the stories on which I like to focus and share. He has revealed and taught me that He is not a man- I went from believing He was just like you to knowing He is better than *any* man, even the best kind! His Word taught me that and healthy, godly men modeled it (the way men who truly love Him, serve Him and earnestly study His Word do.)
I truly feel like The Lord has restored the years the locust had eaten. Only God could make the truly vile and dead into something beautiful!

I guess my current anger deals mostly with how it all ripples into the lives of my children and husband (still and again) and also being angry with those who twist the Bible and use it to hurt and control those that would be under their care. I pray that that would be one sin of which I am never guilty.

So anyway, I am going through a refresher course of everything I learned about Who God really is, who I really am according to what HE says and not what you said. I am remembering what it is to rest in His Sovereignty-even in the worst situations. I have faith in His character and His promises of grace now and tomorrow. I am also remembering how beautiful my crazy life is now and not to take it for granted-it is a gift for which I am thankful.

~~~~~

Today I learned not to waste this "down time" by being angry about it or asking God, "Why?" (Although He can certainly handle the question) but asking Him, "What? What am I supposed to be learning and gleaning during this time?" And to just rest in Him and His faithfulness. He has got this. He has perfect timing and nothing escapes His notice. Joy comes in the morning. Instead of being angry I can choose to be thankful for whatever grand thing He will make of this-even if for some reason, I don't see it.

So for now, Dad...here I am. I'm thankful for the time you rescued my stuffed bunny when I dropped it in the road while riding your motorcycle on the way to preschool. I'm thankful you scared all the boys away and helped me wait for Chase and I'm truly, truly, thankful you raised me in church. Thank you. <3 p="">
I still choose forgiveness, not because I am great like that but because He is and He is forever forgiving me. I love you, Dad. I hope you found true Peace and Truth and are also resting in Him. I hope to one day see you again-the new you and share a hug and the knowledge of what He has done for us both.

Love,
Gina

So, dear Reader, if you can relate to my life right now at all (or even if you can't!) please check these out! They have been SO helpful to me the past couple of days!

Sunday's Sermon at our church:
To hear: Living by Faith, not Gratitude? Simple but revolutionary!!! Aaaah! So good!

Fabulous video:
To watch: Struggles With Depression

Another good one:

To read: God Loves You Through the Dark

I hope you are encouraged. I know it is cliche but it is true, God is good. All the time.

Love,

Gina

So today is CRAZY!!! This morning we woke up bright and early (although Chase was up brighter and earlier than I was!) Chase ran to church and worked on a sermon he is preaching tonight at a youth rally where he was asked to be a GUEST SPEAKER!!! Isn't that cool????? So anyway, he worked on his sermon while I got the kids up and ready. Then we went to a friend's house and helped them move into the new house they are buying! The new house is AWESOME and I am SO excited for them!!! So we helped for a couple of hours, then came home so Chase could shower. I fed the kids and then laid them down for a nap. Chase left to go make sure his computer and equipment worked down at the youth rally. So here is the deal...we are leaving for Missouri TOMORROW after church. All week I have been cleaning the house and working on Young Ladies Retreat which happens TWO days after I get back from Missouri! So today I had serious laundry to do, some groceries to get, packing (of 5 people and a dog for 8 days) to finish, a huge dog to bathe, a youth rally to attend, TWO Uppercase Living parties to put in the computer and order, paperwork to have ready for my teen girls at church tomorrow, co-op classes to find substitutes teachers for, etc. etc. etc!!! Craziness.
So here I sit...a tad overwhelmed. I am getting laundry done and was surprised when Chase called and asked me to please don a bathingsuit and wash the dog in the shower, but surprisingly it went quite smoothly! I have dog fur all over the bathroom now but NOT in the drain so that is good! :) Except for the part where I woke up the girls from their nap while I was looking for the dog and they haven't gone back to sleep yet and we are supposed to be up late at the Rally, that part went well. :)
Really, it is quite a relief that it worked out that I do not play piano for church tomorrow, and that is really a load off my mind! I think I might go to early service and Bible Fellowship and then go shopping for the snacks since I don't think that is getting done tonight. I think we are mostly packed though. I need to pack Chase's stuff but otherwise, not so much left to pack I think.
I need to pull out the cooler that we will keep snacks and sandwich stuff in for on the road. I got together some movies to keep the kids happy during the drive, and have most of my stuff together so I can work on the 4 hours of lessons I am teaching at Young Ladies Retreat when we get back.
I think I have everything together to take to my mom when we swing by her place in Colorado on our way. I am REALLY looking forward to seeing Chase's family in Missouri. We are going for his Grandpa's Memorial service, so it isn't the happiest of circumstances, but we know who Grandpa trusted in and we know we will see him again. That brings peace. :)

Thanks for the opportunity to sort the things flying around my brain!!! :) I know I am forgetting something, but I will get more done with what I have talked about already! :)
Please pray for a safe trip and that I didn't forget anything! :)